Tomorrow is the big day

Micah is going to be arriving at the Portland airport tomorrow at 1:34 pm. I am going to park my car in the parking garage, walk anxiously (probably struggling to decide whether to run or to walk...possibly leading to tripping over my feet, as usual), and then wait for him at the bottom of the escalator by baggage claim. I have been picturing this moment since August 19th when I left him in Indiana after our summer together. I've been trying to be careful to keep my blog a blog and not a public diary. I have been blog-stalking someone who bleeds all over her blog and I don't want to do that. Therefore, I just want to say that I am very, very excited about tomorrow.

Micah and I are starting a new chapter in our life together; essentially distinguished by the fact that we will be together- hahaha. Individuals and couples have spent more time apart than we have, but I still cannot deny that this has been a notable challenge in my life. It was never a challenge because I wanted to give up or anything like that, but finding ways to connect with one another and to make our long-distance relationship have tangible and meaningful qualities required a lot of patience and creativity. When we enter into whatever struggles we will have in the future, I hope we can flex these muscles of creativity that we developed together over the last 6 months.

I am laying in my bed right now, under several blankets (I had been craving a chilly night under warm blankets, so I turned off the space heater in my room...and, boy, is it chilly in my room!), and I have a similar feeling to the one I experienced the night before going to middle school, high school, college, and moving to Oregon. For the first time in my life, I am having a life-change that has nothing to do with school. It is hard to understand or describe. I'm not sure if anyone could identify with it (maybe Alicia when she moved to Cali?), but it's a powerful feeling. Rather than try to push aside these strong feelings of anticipation, excitement, worry, and nervousness, I am enjoying just basking in the reality of it all. I hope I remember this night later.

zzzzzzzzap..........sugar!

I had a lot of sugar this evening. Being awake because of caffeine and being awake because of sugar are very different feelings. Sugar-high's make me feel so unsettled and unhealthy; it leaves me wanting more of something. Caffeine just makes my blood pump faster so I feel like I should hurry. Here I am...unsettled...wanting salt...and a Diet Coke....but really needing sleep.

I get a new bed tomorrow. Maybe that will assist me in my sleeping. :D

first drafts, bustling, coconut cake, and a week to go.

My dissertation has been doing a number on me. I spoke with a really kind principal who is going to let me use his school for some testing on his students. He intimidated me, at first, but when I was done, I said to myself, "Kim, why do you feel so dejected? You got a 'Yes!'...after so many 'No's' and 'Maybe's"', so there it was...an open window. I hope it doesn't shut on me before I actually get everything set up for testing.

Some stuff happened today that made me understand the importance and special-ness of my relationship with Micah. I can't elaborate on the "stuff", but I can say that having Micah in my life has made a significant change in me. Awhile ago, I remember hearing that people who think marriage will be an end to loneliness are in for a big disappointment. I took this bit of information very seriously, and I have been waiting for a lonely day to come by so that I remember not to blame it on Micah or our relationship.

Today was a lonely day. Some of the stuff that occurred reminded me of other stuff that has been hard for me for the last 3 years, ushering in memories of really sad and lonely times. Yet, something wonderful occurred to me: I know Micah can't cure all of my loneliness and he can't save me from hurt feelings in other relationships, but I have this assurance that, at the end of a day- crappy or wonderful, as it may be- I can go home and know that I am loved. I've never been loved like that. My parents love me, but you know how we all excuse their love because they "have to." (though now I know just how many parents do not love their children, so I am reminded of how lucky I am to have good parents) But, Micah chose to love me...and it is a choice he took seriously when he asked me to marry him.

So tonight was one of the first nights that this weary, independent girl...the one who made it out to Oregon and has faced many a-night of dreadful loneliness...came home and realized that she no longer had such a battle ahead of her. I don't have to come home and battle questions of my worth (as much), because I have a forever relationship. I am grateful for those lonely battles because I learned a lot, but that is a chapter of my life that I really don't want to visit ever, again. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to fight alone. I know tough times will be ahead for Micah and I, but we won't have to fight alone.

this is 'diculous

That settles it; I am anxious. I mean, of course, but it's been "flaring up", again. Here I am trying to wind down after honing in on my prelim writeup for my dissertation. I passed the point of no return....you know that point where you have gotten in a bit too deep? For me, it's when I do just a bit too much work, just a bit too late into the night and then I am stuck in that limbo of "to finish or not to finish" for the rest of the night. I am too tired to write (especially anything of dissertation caliber), but too wired to sleep. I've tried the usual sleep hygiene things that I used to teach my clients (when I had therapy clients rather than assessment clients). I did some deep breathing. I even moved into sleep efficiency mode (where you say, "okay...you wanna stay up? we're doing something...) but here I am...awake.

Some big things are happening in life. I imagine that those of you who read this know these things, so it's old news. Yet, I am not too sorry to write them, because, you see, writing these things is part of my ruse to make myself tired. Maybe someone (like my mom) will read this and send me a present because she feels badly for me.

Obviously, the first big thing is a big FIRST thing. My fiance is moving to Oregon to live near me. It's a big first thing, because I have never begun to share my life with anyone before. I never will, again, but it's still the onset of a bunch of first's. I also feel a bit responsible for his well-being...because this is my territory...this is my little home that I created for myself for these last 3 years. I kind of have that feeling like someone is coming to visit....but it's on a grander scale. I am mixed up between feeling like I want to impress him with my life (yes, if you are a grad student, you can laugh...as there isn't a lot that is impressive about the life of a graduate student), but, nonetheless, it's a bit of a desire to show-and-tell... "this is where I do homework," "this is where I buy coffee..." "this is what my 'normal' day is like." Then, there is that part of me that is anxious because Micah and I are starting our lives... living near each other...for the first time. yikes. there are a lot of mistakes that I can make. correction: there are a lot of mistakes that I will make.

The other things on my mind are annoyances and worries. Did I diagnose correctly? How is my meeting going to go in the morning (especially on less than 5 hours of sleep)? What about all of that practicum business? APA? DISSERTATION!? 3 day weekends...all the time...all the time...all the time. When is my bed going to be delivered? Will I forget my dress fitting? Ah! I haven't talked to Andrea in a couple of weeks...again! on. and. on. and. on.

Maybe I will try listening to rain sounds...like my roommate did the other night :D

Goodnight. You will probably have been asleep for at least 4 hours by now. Hope it has been nice.