this is 'diculous

That settles it; I am anxious. I mean, of course, but it's been "flaring up", again. Here I am trying to wind down after honing in on my prelim writeup for my dissertation. I passed the point of no return....you know that point where you have gotten in a bit too deep? For me, it's when I do just a bit too much work, just a bit too late into the night and then I am stuck in that limbo of "to finish or not to finish" for the rest of the night. I am too tired to write (especially anything of dissertation caliber), but too wired to sleep. I've tried the usual sleep hygiene things that I used to teach my clients (when I had therapy clients rather than assessment clients). I did some deep breathing. I even moved into sleep efficiency mode (where you say, "okay...you wanna stay up? we're doing something...) but here I am...awake.

Some big things are happening in life. I imagine that those of you who read this know these things, so it's old news. Yet, I am not too sorry to write them, because, you see, writing these things is part of my ruse to make myself tired. Maybe someone (like my mom) will read this and send me a present because she feels badly for me.

Obviously, the first big thing is a big FIRST thing. My fiance is moving to Oregon to live near me. It's a big first thing, because I have never begun to share my life with anyone before. I never will, again, but it's still the onset of a bunch of first's. I also feel a bit responsible for his well-being...because this is my territory...this is my little home that I created for myself for these last 3 years. I kind of have that feeling like someone is coming to visit....but it's on a grander scale. I am mixed up between feeling like I want to impress him with my life (yes, if you are a grad student, you can laugh...as there isn't a lot that is impressive about the life of a graduate student), but, nonetheless, it's a bit of a desire to show-and-tell... "this is where I do homework," "this is where I buy coffee..." "this is what my 'normal' day is like." Then, there is that part of me that is anxious because Micah and I are starting our lives... living near each other...for the first time. yikes. there are a lot of mistakes that I can make. correction: there are a lot of mistakes that I will make.

The other things on my mind are annoyances and worries. Did I diagnose correctly? How is my meeting going to go in the morning (especially on less than 5 hours of sleep)? What about all of that practicum business? APA? DISSERTATION!? 3 day weekends...all the time...all the time...all the time. When is my bed going to be delivered? Will I forget my dress fitting? Ah! I haven't talked to Andrea in a couple of weeks...again! on. and. on. and. on.

Maybe I will try listening to rain sounds...like my roommate did the other night :D

Goodnight. You will probably have been asleep for at least 4 hours by now. Hope it has been nice.